Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
