I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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