I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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