im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
