I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
