fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
