this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
