Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
