using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
