I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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