I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
