No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i dont even know how to be here
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
