omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
