we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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