I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
