She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
