Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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