sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
