Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
