so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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