College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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