Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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