I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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