I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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