Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
