Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
