I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
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