i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
