do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
