i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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