I faked an abortion last night.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
