if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
