I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
