Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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