toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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