you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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