Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
they call him Oral-B. enough said
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
