I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
