Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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