i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
