Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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