dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
