i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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