no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
