Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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