around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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