I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize