I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
