I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
