I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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