I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
