i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
