I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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