I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
