We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
