Need sex. Gaining weight.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
