She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
