So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
